The Heart of Things

Yesterday I turned 20. The day before was the last day of being a kid, and today I don't feel any different. I've never enjoyed growing up, nothing about responsibility has ever seemed attractive. I'd rather still be nineteen, the title of "teen" was like a passport to freedom. No pressure, just life and whatever I'd want to make of it. Not that I'm entirely serious about 20 being so depressing. I'm still me, no age is going to change that, and this I am thankful for.

I don't have a lot to say about being 20, but I suppose that's a good thing, it means I haven't changed. No new mindsets, still just me and my Daddy. Where He goes I go and I'm happy to do it =)

Today I am more officially moving into the new place in Sylvan Lake. Tonight the rooms will be rearranged, I'll bring in all my stuff and I'll have my own space. I'm pretty excited about this, it's going to be a lot of fun living with Brandt and Isaac. Such solid men of God, I couldn't ask for better people to be surrounded with. Now's the hope I was meant to be here, I mean everything about it made logical sense, but logic never has a high place in the Kingdom.

God isn't really a man to be understood. Not by us anyway. But regardless of how little I understand, or how much sense it doesn't make, I'll always be glad to do what I think God wants. I think that's what's really important anyway. If God is a God of such grace & mercy, how can doing what we think he wants ever be wrong? If the intension of our hearts is to be obedient to the Lord, how could He ever be displeased with our choices? He isn't a God of circumstance or situation. No matter what you do, if it's unto the Lord, He'll make it work.

I'm positive the Lord will bless all obedience and that we should never fear being "wrong." There is no fear of failure in the Kingdom. God won't let us do something we aren't supposed to do if we truly believe we're doing it for Him. A wise man once said "anybody can take a cracked and broken vessel and glue it together again, but it takes a true master to use those cracks and make them part of a beautiful design." That master is God and He's not kidding around when He wants us to be thankful for trials, thankful for being stretched and tested.

We're meant to bring those things to God, present to Him our hurts and our struggles and let Him make them into something beautiful. No matter what we do, no matter how wrong we think we are, God can use it all to make us stronger, it's just a matter of the heart. He doesn't see what we see, He sees so much deeper than that. If there's obedience in your heart, you'll be blessed for obeying.

God once asked a man to kill his son. I'm certain that man thought he was so wrong, was positive He hadn't heard God. There's no way God could ask something like that, but that man had obedience in his heart. How often are we convinced we're doing God's will and then run into a brick wall? I think God puts that wall there so we can learn how to recover. It isn't about how firm we stand, but how well we get back up. Life isn't going to be perfect, but a perfect recovery is a perfect life.

Antibiotics

Here I am in Abbotsford, the "city in the country." Somehow through the up and downs of the mountain roads I managed to get myself an ear infection in both ears and today I have a migraine. Nice place though. My grandparents have done marvellous works on their house since my last visit making it barely recognizable. It's gorgeous.

Anyhow today at the walk-in clinic I was fortunate to find assistance. Not 5 minutes after I had signed in and taken a seat a gentleman walked in and was told "I'm sorry we just filled up, we're closed now." Following this statement the secretary quickly closed the blinds, switched off the fluorescent 'Open' sign and stuck something bright pink on the glass door (presumably a no room in the inn message.) Part of me felt bad that I was going to be looked after and that man wasn't. Another part of me wanted to stand up and offer him the promise of being looked at by a medical man that I was holding on to. But both those parts of me are ridiculous, that chair was mine right?

I don't know, but I'm sure glad God isn't like that. No sign-ins, he already knows everything about you. No limits, there's enough of him for all of us. No waits, he's already here, and no horse pills! Antibiotics have got to find a new look, big yellow and red jackets are so 90s. I hope you hear no complaint though, I am thankful. Thankful that my route was 6 minutes quicker than what would have gotten me turned away.

But why me? Why not that man? He didn't strike me as the sort to go to the clinic for a minor tooth ache. What if his problems were bigger than a sore ear? Who decided that I could get there before him? Who flipped all his lights red while mine were green? How long did it even take him to get there? He could have come from anywhere or needed anything but neither what or where could change the fact I got there first. Life is such a giant maze of reactive actions and events I can't imagine the force that makes those unseen decisions for us. If me and that man had to discuss who would arrive first, if anytime two paths crossed there was a debate, chaos would rule supreme and without resistance. The dictionary would certainly have to forget the word 'peace'. No system would ever find control, not unless there was something that knew everything, some vault of knowledge that could see all that had happened and all that was going to happen.

Some call it luck, some might say karma, others Allah, or maybe even God. There could be many names for something so great, so mysterious, so infinite. Nobody really knows for sure what or who it is, but I think all he wants to be called is 'I am' and most certainly all should be grateful. Grateful that we don't have to make so many millions of tiny seemingly insignificant decisions. Grateful there is something in control of all moments at all times. Something that, given the opportunity, sets things back in their proper path sort of like an... antibiotic.

We could settle with luck, but nobody likes luck, it's too unpredictable. Karma may be a nicer fit, but it takes too much work to keep good. Religion is pretty close but far too boxed in. If nothing's good enough for something so vast, why can't we call it Love, Kindness, Hope, Grace and Mercy? Because to all these things He would simply say "I am."

Cities & Seatbelts

Tonight I am in a hotel in Calgary Alberta beside my sleeping kid brother; the highway's a long road for a boy. I remember how it feels to have the energy of a squirrel and being trapped in a fast-moving motorized thing for infinite amounts of time. Back when infinite was defined by any period of time that was enough to make me bored. And let's be honest- that was a lot of things, but worst of all were family road trips. So let the little guy sleep, 12 hours is a long way from home and 9 more to go brings no sense of comfort.

To bring you up to speed, (or as close to as possible, as I'm not entirely certain that I am even "up to speed") yesterday morning I packed my bags and I drove. 8 hours alone with no change of scenery for the first 6 I took me and my life and dropped it off in Sylvan Lake, Alberta. Today I am intercepting my family to join them in an adventure to the mountains to see some of those blessed with the "extended" title to their family claims.

Anyway that's good enough.

I wonder what a little boy dreams about. I can't remember. My hope would be that it's about grand things that won't ever happen but keep the imagination sharp. Of a world that didn't hurt and a moon that didn't cry. Where people talked to each other and forests were our friends and our friends didn't store their knives in our backs. What a silly place to leave your knives!

If I was going to make any kind of point, no matter who I was I would just ask "Mr. Lawman sir, why do we need seat belts when daddy's driving?"

For some reason kept unknown from me, once upon a late sleepless night I felt something inside of me. It was so overwhelming that sleep was impossible unless it found some way to be seen and heard. I'll never know how such a thing ended up with me, but it was not mine to keep. It was meant to be shared with one. One other was purposed to hear it as much I was meant to come upon it.

I know I've not come close to touching the beauty of what I felt, but every day when I pray that one day I'll be able to tell you, it still resonates within me. I am so sorry that there was no way to express the fullness of it, and that nothing I could do would ever be enough to let you know. I tried, I put everything I had into it, and if words were glasses I hope these would hold enough. Because whoever you are, and wherever you are, I am waiting.

For you;

My pen is stripped clean of confidence
Like a child stuck in the spotlight
And not unlike a storm, clouds collide inside
Obscuring the words I've sought
The words I've been seeking
For countless long and lonely nights
But I fear the task is too great
No, I'm convinced it is so
Tongues cannot create such beauty
And beauty itself falls short
Only paradise can prepare to compare
But man has already failed to describe it
And so my conclusion becomes clear
Such words have dwindled to extinction
If they were ever even known at all
Though someone must hold the answer
Somebody must have a language worthy
How else then did we learn to breathe?
How else can we even be?

One must have been trying to prove perfection
And now I see they did just that
I saw it first in your eyes
I saw the stars I saw the skies
A brilliant spark that sets me afire
Should I go on or is it foolish?
I already know it can't be done
But I must try, you must know
Even if I can't say the things I mean
If they don't come the way they should sound
I want you to know, I'm a fool for you
I saw it next in your smile
The soft crease in your lips
A joy that makes my heart soar
I've never felt so alive before
Like a bird learning to fly I hesitate
My body locks and my thoughts are blocked
But something rushes through my veins
Like a waterfall that cascades constantly
Over my beaten battered shaken shattered heart
Reshaping it and remaking it like a miracle
Into something wonderful once again
Though only the touch I long so much
Those harmless hands soft as summer sands
Can pick up the placeless pieces
Leaving no sign of scars and no sign of sorrow
A clean slate and a refreshing wind
Blowing gently through your hair that's as fair
As a bountiful orchard of blameless beauty
The reflection in those seamless strands
A pale moon over the stillest waters
Broken only by the song of angels
Spoken unmistakeably through your laughter
A sound that awakens my inmost being
Like the purest chimes fit for God's halls
The one who holds the keys kept from man
Not with greed or selfish negligence
But with understanding of human frailty
A thing that can't quite comprehend
Why my heart flies when I see your eyes
Or my knees shake with the breath you take
So he gave us a simple single word
A sole syllable I want to whisper in your ear
It is why my tongue ties when you speak
It is why my feet fail when you brush my cheek
It is love

GPS to Where?

A few weeks ago, me and three friends shared the incredible experience of a road trip to Cornerstone Festival. The festival consisted of somewhere around 315 bands playing over the course of 5 days in the no name town of Bushnell, Illinois. The events of Cornerstone itself were awesome and very much enjoyed by myself and our group, though this entry is not about the fun, the excitement, the camping or the music. The memories are had-to-be-there moments which me, Tegan, Brett and Dave will likely never forget. The people we met, the friends we made, all very special to me, but not what I want to share with this entry.

On this trip, we came equipped with a little fellow by the name Tom Tom, our trusty GPS who kept the way straight, if narrow at times. That being said when I made it back home, a thought entered my mind about the will of God.

So many times we can struggle with the lack of belief for what we think God wants from us. So many times we break down and burn out because we force ourselves on a path we believe righteous in His eyes which only leads to dead ends. Lately I have been discovering that God doesn't want us to incessantly do do do!

He just wants us to be.

Us and Him alone, returning to our first loves. Our love and our passion cannot be ministry, it can't be to bring in the lost or to heal the sick. As corny as it is, it remains true; we are human beings, not human doings. I often laugh when I hear it come up in a church service, but if only I grasped what it actually meant.

Got created us just to be.

He created us to be with us. There's nothing we can do to make Him love us more! No mistakes we can make that will lessen His admiration for us. Not only does He love us, he likes us and calls us beautiful. There's nothing we can do to change the way He sees us. No matter how many wrong turns we make, God always shows us the way to get back onto the straight and narrow, just like our friend Tom. How easy it is to trust in Tom, why can't we trust God? Sometimes we may question what the road looks like.

On our trip to Cornerstone, Tom had us turn off of a main highway down a tiny back street. The road was very narrow, with steep inclines on either side. Up and down and up and down the tiny gravel road took us, but we stayed on it because we knew it would lead us to our destination. We questioned it, we strongly considered turning around, but we kept going. It lead us through a river, yes literally, we drove our faithful minivan through a river. This was an incredibly abscure road that did not feel like it would lead us anywhere we wanted to be, but it did. We came out on the other side, back onto the highway, just a few miles from Cornerstone.

In life we come to so many intersections. Sometimes we feel like we're on the right road, the pavement is fresh and glistening in the sun. It's smooth as luxury under our wheels, ideal for keeping any spirits high on a long trip. Then we round the bend and see exactly why it is the way it is. Coming into view is the very unwelcoming sight of construction signs. The road isn't finished, the workers are still working, it's all torn up and every vehicle is getting turned around. Now Tom doesn't even know what to do, he has it registered as a working road. It's these times we wish we didn't question God's will. No matter what it looks like, it will take us to His destination.

When we slow down and get back to the place of being in love with God, maturing in our relationship with Him is when He's going to trust us with His ministry. He knows there are lost, hurting people, oh how He knows!, and it breaks His heart when we work ourselves to exhaustion to save them. We will be able to do so much more for His kingdom when we find our strength daily in the shadow of His wing. There is no offering that is going to make God love us more. He just wants us! When God can trust us to trust Him, He'll show us the path. By His grace and loving kindness He'll always lead us back to His will, but are we willing to take the gravel, or are we going to pretend we know better?

A Penny for Purity

Last night I finished reading a book about purity. It brought tears to my eyes as it gave deeper insight to the importance of staying pure and the battle involved. As a Christian I have always abstained, kept myself from the world and the ways that it involves. I had never really thought about why, I was just being a good Christian boy following the rules of the religion. But as we all know, Christianity is in fact not a religion. It's a relationship. Over the past few months I have learned more about what that means and what it pertains. My life is not dedicated to holding to a standard set by the church. I am not alive to be pointlessly stubborn about going against the typical world system. I am alive to fall in love. There is one who made me to be with me. Jesus Christ lived and died so I could live with him forever. He doesn't set rules for me to make my life miserable. He wants my life to be full of love and joy. Now how many know that's exactly what purity is all about. Purity is not a set of rules designed to set us apart from the world just so we can have something to struggle with that makes us different. Purity is a vicious battle to prove to ourselves and to another that we are willing to fight to keep ourselves whole to dedicate the fullness of our love to one single other person. We were created for relationship and everything about who we are longs for relationship. The purpose for our lives is to spend it preparing ourselves to be united in marriage to the one who truly loves us. Everything about the life of Jesus parallels the marriage ceremony. He is crazy about us and sits in heaven yearning and longing for the day we will be united for eternity. He is ravished daily by our process of falling completely in love with him. He gave us this life so we can fall deeper and deeper in love with him by our own free will. This is the testing ground for our spiritual purity. He set the stage and made the sacrifice for perfect forgiveness so no matter how far we fall we can always be 100% restored. The battle we face in the spiritual realm to keep our lives wholly dedicated and pure is perfectly mirrored by our fight in the physical. The relationship we seek in a spouse is the same physically as what we seek spiritually in Jesus. Purity is something we fight for to keep intact for the one we are going to spend the rest of our lives with. The reason we fight is because that person is going to be worth everything. The battle is something priceless and maybe I speak for myself but I am going to fight with everything I've got. Through the thick and thin this person is going to be worth it and I mean to put my entire self into it. I am not going to withhold anything from her and am going to be passionate about keeping everything for her. Even as I'm writing this I see more of how our pursuit for relationship on this earth beautifully represents how Jesus wants us to be after him. I believe that the process we go through for our spouse has a lot to teach about how we should live for Christ. When you commit the rest of your life to another, I'm sure you would want to be certain you are ready for it so you can experience it to its fullest. I ask the Lord daily to continue to work on my heart so I can be fully confident that when I find my wife I am going to be perfect for her. As I walk with the Lord in my pursuit for marriage I am excited to learn all the ways it relates to my relationship with him. If it takes my whole life to be perfect for that person, I will wait patiently with my first love and not be discouraged by anything. I will be satisfied with my life not if I do get married, but if I find the walk of life that teaches me the most about my saviour. As I study what it means to keep my purity I see how much love and joy there is to be found in marriage and can't forget that God is love. God is love! Where there is love, there is God. What a truly amazing concept that is. Impossible to understand but exciting in every way. As much as my human nature longs for a companion I am beginning to learn to train myself to look for marriage not to feed my emotions, but to find God. As I fully admit my heart is not completely ready to be who I want to be for my wife, I am super excited to be with her. Right now I am setting my heart before the Lord, recognizing how off I am from who I should be and excited to walk this process with him.

The Beginning

Hello everyone and welcome to my blog! Due to the popular request of being updated frequently on the events in my life, I thought the easiest way to make sure nobody misses anything is to start a blog. So here it is; I hope you all enjoy it and I thank you very much for your prayers and support. I hope I can keep these entries exciting for you, I've never blogged before but I plan on doing my best. 

Today I had the awesome experience of being baptized by my father. This event was witnessed only by the rest of my family and was very special. As we live on a lake it made full sense to make use of the waters. It was a great idea really, but let's take into consideration the way the weather has been recently. Actually instead of doing that, I'll just tell you that it was freezing cold. After my dad had spouted off a few Bible verses that greater opened my eyes to why I was doing this act, I took a few steps into the welcoming cold. It was cold, very cold, but it did not deter me. I had to do it today. For some unknown reason I had waited my entire life to take this step, and it wasn't an option to postpone it any longer. I denied my body the will to resist and stepped further into the lake, with the waves lapping against my waist. In this position I braced myself as my dad prepared to dunk me. Down I went, the water coming over my chest and then my face. As quickly as I went under, I came back up, ready to force my heart to keep beating. I thought for sure I was going to feel the need to run to shore and remind my blood to keep flowing. Remarkably though, I felt warm. It was a warmth I had never felt before, apparently eminating from somewhere within my being. I walked calmly back to shore with a minor sense of accomplishment. "I did it," I thought to myself, but was disappointed that nothing else seemed to happen. Then I looked to my family and told myself "no, everything that was supposed to happen did happen." It was true, I marked the end of who I was and stepped boldly into the beginning of something new. Something exciting, and something that I am going to share as much as I can on this little webpage. It didn't have to be something earth shaking, I am going to walk humbly with the Lord and have no need for fireworks to proclaim the start. 

To explain why my baptism was so important to be done today I will say that exactly three months ago I started the Daniel Company internship. In these three months God did a great work on my heart and on my priorities. During this time I received many words from many people that things were going to be accelerated in my life. In the three months God also showed me various pictures of His plans for me and they greatly excited me. One day (actually the last day of the internship) I asked about water baptism out of curiosity, as I had never been. I learned that it wasn't just something done out of religion for no real reason, but that it actually marks something in the spirit. It changes something. Okay then, I guess this is something I need to do. As I thought more about it I remembered when Jesus was baptized. After 30 years of seeking his father, he was baptized into his ministry to go and shake things up with authority. The thought then dropped into my head that as I planned to put my stake down and start ministering to my parent's camp, together with my words of acceleration, that maybe the three months I spent seeking the Lord could parellel Jesus' thirty. I then decided that that was what I was going to do. 

With today's dying to the old self, I hereby declare that I am going to live my life dedicated to seeking the Lord and walking in his destiny and purposes for me. I will not be hindered by anything. Right now I pledge my allegiance fully to the lamb and step forward in confidence that God has a perfect will for my life and that I am going to find it and take each step on it. Amen.

P.S

For those of you that I have invited to this blog, I love you all very much. If you are reading this it means I trust you with my life and I invite everyone of you to hold me to my pledge. As my witnesses I welcome you all to constructive critisism and necessary rebukes. Thanks, and God bless.