The Heart of Things

Yesterday I turned 20. The day before was the last day of being a kid, and today I don't feel any different. I've never enjoyed growing up, nothing about responsibility has ever seemed attractive. I'd rather still be nineteen, the title of "teen" was like a passport to freedom. No pressure, just life and whatever I'd want to make of it. Not that I'm entirely serious about 20 being so depressing. I'm still me, no age is going to change that, and this I am thankful for.

I don't have a lot to say about being 20, but I suppose that's a good thing, it means I haven't changed. No new mindsets, still just me and my Daddy. Where He goes I go and I'm happy to do it =)

Today I am more officially moving into the new place in Sylvan Lake. Tonight the rooms will be rearranged, I'll bring in all my stuff and I'll have my own space. I'm pretty excited about this, it's going to be a lot of fun living with Brandt and Isaac. Such solid men of God, I couldn't ask for better people to be surrounded with. Now's the hope I was meant to be here, I mean everything about it made logical sense, but logic never has a high place in the Kingdom.

God isn't really a man to be understood. Not by us anyway. But regardless of how little I understand, or how much sense it doesn't make, I'll always be glad to do what I think God wants. I think that's what's really important anyway. If God is a God of such grace & mercy, how can doing what we think he wants ever be wrong? If the intension of our hearts is to be obedient to the Lord, how could He ever be displeased with our choices? He isn't a God of circumstance or situation. No matter what you do, if it's unto the Lord, He'll make it work.

I'm positive the Lord will bless all obedience and that we should never fear being "wrong." There is no fear of failure in the Kingdom. God won't let us do something we aren't supposed to do if we truly believe we're doing it for Him. A wise man once said "anybody can take a cracked and broken vessel and glue it together again, but it takes a true master to use those cracks and make them part of a beautiful design." That master is God and He's not kidding around when He wants us to be thankful for trials, thankful for being stretched and tested.

We're meant to bring those things to God, present to Him our hurts and our struggles and let Him make them into something beautiful. No matter what we do, no matter how wrong we think we are, God can use it all to make us stronger, it's just a matter of the heart. He doesn't see what we see, He sees so much deeper than that. If there's obedience in your heart, you'll be blessed for obeying.

God once asked a man to kill his son. I'm certain that man thought he was so wrong, was positive He hadn't heard God. There's no way God could ask something like that, but that man had obedience in his heart. How often are we convinced we're doing God's will and then run into a brick wall? I think God puts that wall there so we can learn how to recover. It isn't about how firm we stand, but how well we get back up. Life isn't going to be perfect, but a perfect recovery is a perfect life.

Antibiotics

Here I am in Abbotsford, the "city in the country." Somehow through the up and downs of the mountain roads I managed to get myself an ear infection in both ears and today I have a migraine. Nice place though. My grandparents have done marvellous works on their house since my last visit making it barely recognizable. It's gorgeous.

Anyhow today at the walk-in clinic I was fortunate to find assistance. Not 5 minutes after I had signed in and taken a seat a gentleman walked in and was told "I'm sorry we just filled up, we're closed now." Following this statement the secretary quickly closed the blinds, switched off the fluorescent 'Open' sign and stuck something bright pink on the glass door (presumably a no room in the inn message.) Part of me felt bad that I was going to be looked after and that man wasn't. Another part of me wanted to stand up and offer him the promise of being looked at by a medical man that I was holding on to. But both those parts of me are ridiculous, that chair was mine right?

I don't know, but I'm sure glad God isn't like that. No sign-ins, he already knows everything about you. No limits, there's enough of him for all of us. No waits, he's already here, and no horse pills! Antibiotics have got to find a new look, big yellow and red jackets are so 90s. I hope you hear no complaint though, I am thankful. Thankful that my route was 6 minutes quicker than what would have gotten me turned away.

But why me? Why not that man? He didn't strike me as the sort to go to the clinic for a minor tooth ache. What if his problems were bigger than a sore ear? Who decided that I could get there before him? Who flipped all his lights red while mine were green? How long did it even take him to get there? He could have come from anywhere or needed anything but neither what or where could change the fact I got there first. Life is such a giant maze of reactive actions and events I can't imagine the force that makes those unseen decisions for us. If me and that man had to discuss who would arrive first, if anytime two paths crossed there was a debate, chaos would rule supreme and without resistance. The dictionary would certainly have to forget the word 'peace'. No system would ever find control, not unless there was something that knew everything, some vault of knowledge that could see all that had happened and all that was going to happen.

Some call it luck, some might say karma, others Allah, or maybe even God. There could be many names for something so great, so mysterious, so infinite. Nobody really knows for sure what or who it is, but I think all he wants to be called is 'I am' and most certainly all should be grateful. Grateful that we don't have to make so many millions of tiny seemingly insignificant decisions. Grateful there is something in control of all moments at all times. Something that, given the opportunity, sets things back in their proper path sort of like an... antibiotic.

We could settle with luck, but nobody likes luck, it's too unpredictable. Karma may be a nicer fit, but it takes too much work to keep good. Religion is pretty close but far too boxed in. If nothing's good enough for something so vast, why can't we call it Love, Kindness, Hope, Grace and Mercy? Because to all these things He would simply say "I am."

Cities & Seatbelts

Tonight I am in a hotel in Calgary Alberta beside my sleeping kid brother; the highway's a long road for a boy. I remember how it feels to have the energy of a squirrel and being trapped in a fast-moving motorized thing for infinite amounts of time. Back when infinite was defined by any period of time that was enough to make me bored. And let's be honest- that was a lot of things, but worst of all were family road trips. So let the little guy sleep, 12 hours is a long way from home and 9 more to go brings no sense of comfort.

To bring you up to speed, (or as close to as possible, as I'm not entirely certain that I am even "up to speed") yesterday morning I packed my bags and I drove. 8 hours alone with no change of scenery for the first 6 I took me and my life and dropped it off in Sylvan Lake, Alberta. Today I am intercepting my family to join them in an adventure to the mountains to see some of those blessed with the "extended" title to their family claims.

Anyway that's good enough.

I wonder what a little boy dreams about. I can't remember. My hope would be that it's about grand things that won't ever happen but keep the imagination sharp. Of a world that didn't hurt and a moon that didn't cry. Where people talked to each other and forests were our friends and our friends didn't store their knives in our backs. What a silly place to leave your knives!

If I was going to make any kind of point, no matter who I was I would just ask "Mr. Lawman sir, why do we need seat belts when daddy's driving?"

For some reason kept unknown from me, once upon a late sleepless night I felt something inside of me. It was so overwhelming that sleep was impossible unless it found some way to be seen and heard. I'll never know how such a thing ended up with me, but it was not mine to keep. It was meant to be shared with one. One other was purposed to hear it as much I was meant to come upon it.

I know I've not come close to touching the beauty of what I felt, but every day when I pray that one day I'll be able to tell you, it still resonates within me. I am so sorry that there was no way to express the fullness of it, and that nothing I could do would ever be enough to let you know. I tried, I put everything I had into it, and if words were glasses I hope these would hold enough. Because whoever you are, and wherever you are, I am waiting.

For you;

My pen is stripped clean of confidence
Like a child stuck in the spotlight
And not unlike a storm, clouds collide inside
Obscuring the words I've sought
The words I've been seeking
For countless long and lonely nights
But I fear the task is too great
No, I'm convinced it is so
Tongues cannot create such beauty
And beauty itself falls short
Only paradise can prepare to compare
But man has already failed to describe it
And so my conclusion becomes clear
Such words have dwindled to extinction
If they were ever even known at all
Though someone must hold the answer
Somebody must have a language worthy
How else then did we learn to breathe?
How else can we even be?

One must have been trying to prove perfection
And now I see they did just that
I saw it first in your eyes
I saw the stars I saw the skies
A brilliant spark that sets me afire
Should I go on or is it foolish?
I already know it can't be done
But I must try, you must know
Even if I can't say the things I mean
If they don't come the way they should sound
I want you to know, I'm a fool for you
I saw it next in your smile
The soft crease in your lips
A joy that makes my heart soar
I've never felt so alive before
Like a bird learning to fly I hesitate
My body locks and my thoughts are blocked
But something rushes through my veins
Like a waterfall that cascades constantly
Over my beaten battered shaken shattered heart
Reshaping it and remaking it like a miracle
Into something wonderful once again
Though only the touch I long so much
Those harmless hands soft as summer sands
Can pick up the placeless pieces
Leaving no sign of scars and no sign of sorrow
A clean slate and a refreshing wind
Blowing gently through your hair that's as fair
As a bountiful orchard of blameless beauty
The reflection in those seamless strands
A pale moon over the stillest waters
Broken only by the song of angels
Spoken unmistakeably through your laughter
A sound that awakens my inmost being
Like the purest chimes fit for God's halls
The one who holds the keys kept from man
Not with greed or selfish negligence
But with understanding of human frailty
A thing that can't quite comprehend
Why my heart flies when I see your eyes
Or my knees shake with the breath you take
So he gave us a simple single word
A sole syllable I want to whisper in your ear
It is why my tongue ties when you speak
It is why my feet fail when you brush my cheek
It is love